oh, fucking cleaning lady, you have really pissed me off. it's quarter after eleven, she's supposed to be done cleaning the bathroom by quarter TO eleven. and i really need to take a shower! and no, i don't have time to wait until she's done b/c i have class at 12:05! FUCKING BITCH so i go in the bathroom, and she's on the toilet side, not the shower side. she's let me in there before, once, too, when she was supposed to be done cleaning and wasn't and i needed to shower. so i walk back to the last shower stall, close the door, and trip over a stepstool that has never been in there before. she heard it, comes over and goes "is somebody in here?" i'm like, "yeah." and she goes "the bathroom is closed for cleaning." and i go "well, i'm sorry, but you were supposed to be done half an hour ago and i need to take a shower." and she tells me to use the bathroom upstairs.
NO, ACTUALLY, LADY, I DON'T REALLY FEEL LIKE WALKING ALL OVER THIS GODDAMN BUILDING IN A BATHROBE, THANKS. AND IF YOU'RE LATE GETTING THE BATHROOM CLEANED, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF THE ONE UPSTAIRS IS OPEN FOR USE? FUCK YOU.
so here i am, back in my room, feeling gross, and unfortunately, by the time she finishes, i'll probably be on my way to class, STILL FEELING GROSS.
To the yearbook staff:
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail" is a WONDERFUL quote, very yearbook-ish. HOWEVER. one slight thing, just a small thing, really, no big deal -
IT WAS NOT FIRST SAID BY DR. SEUSS. it was either emerson or thoreau - i don't remember which, but it's the sort of thing either one of them would say, but one thing's for sure: IT WASN'T DR. FUCKING SEUSS.
EDIT: it was emerson.
IMBECILES! MERE SECONDS IS ALL IT TOOK ME TO GOOGLE THE FIRST HALF OF THE QUOTE TO FIND OUT WHO SAID IT - AND IT WASN'T DR. SEUSS
a message for, hm.... lots of people.... let me just make this clear, shall i?
I DON'T LIKE WAL-MART. BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET THE FUCK OVER IT.
This place drives me mad.
Listening to the Offsprings' "Heaven's So Far Away", I realize that the reason my life has seemed to fly past me so fast is because I choose to linger on the past, refusing to see any future.
I guess I'm just waiting for the day I wake up and see that I'm still sitting in my old room under the pouring sunlight, listening to music blare over roaring vaccuums from my brothers' rooms as they cleaned. I'm still waiting to wake up to a day that doesn't fly by, leaving me no time to even breathe. I'm waiting... but not getting anywhere with that.
This town is also helping the madness stir.
I'm sick of giving and giving to my friends, not expecting anything but loyalty in return. I'm barely getting that. Everyone thinks I'm a liar--which I don't deny being, but nothing to the extent of what they make it seem. My best of friends leave me waiting sometimes... and I'm so sick of waiting.
I do have to say, though, one friend is coming around. After a big argument with my family, and me storming out, he came up to my room upon my return and actually inquired as to what was wrong. He never does that. He's never done that. Not even when I thought we were better friends than we are now. Maybe this is just the most pissed he's ever seen me. Maybe he just noticed. Maybe he finally cares... I don't know.
All I know is that, regardless of his girlfriend's jealousy, he came up--solo--to my room to sit me down and talk.
I miss him when he's like that.
...I also must say that I've accomplished a lot tonight. I colored in his tattoo, and his girlfriend couldn't stand to be in the room while I was doing it. Another friend just informed me that she's worried about him coming to Oshkosh with me because she thinks we're gonna do something.
...Maybe we would. Maybe not. It's your fault for taking him from me when you knew I was after him. It's your fault for asking him out that day after I left hickies all up and down his neck. That was your fault. Not mine. I can't help it he's finally seeing through your bullshit.
Kinda makes me feel good to know that I'm getting my friend back.
so we've got this new girl at gap. let's call her caitlin. and CAITLIN is a fucking MORON or a BITCH or BOTH.
so we're closing up tonight. almost finished. and kelly, asks if a couple of us could straighten up a table in the front. so me and caitlin go to fold and straighten. i was refolding some sweaters, and she was straightening some shorts, and she started talking about how size 14 is "like, gross" and how she wouldn't even tell her boyfriend if she wore a size 14, and "i couldn't imagine wearing a size 20, i'd just feel so gross."
AND I'M STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HER. at first i thought she was talking about how wearing the shorts would make you feel gross, b/c they're kinda short shorts, but noooo, the size 14 is what's gross.
i wanted to say, "ya, i could imagine wearing a size 20, because i'm excited that i can fit into these SIZE EIGHTEEN CAPRIS." ooooh, i was sooo pissed. i was like shaking, and just thinking "don't say anything, don't do anything, just go to your happy place, remain calm, la de da."
i mean, i don't think she meant to be mean or anything, she is fairly stupid like that, but REALLY. she's probably one of those girls that thinks ten is plus-size. WHATEVER BITCH.
i really hope she's not working tomorrow, b/c my restraint might crack. i'll have to stage a conversation by her where i'm like, "I'm SOOOOO excited that these are size 18. i mean, i know that's not GREAT or anything, but i AM losing weight" and give her a Significant Look.
EWRAIO;ESGH;OEWARGH i was pissssssed.
END OF RANT.
1. went onto myspace and there is this stupid post titled, "INCOMING FRESHMEN" and it's all this stupid shit addressed to the incoming freshman and all i can think is 'some stupid ass freshman who, just because they've been out of school for 2 fucking days, has decided that they're now an upperclassman (someone should explain that only the juniors and seniors are technically 'upperclassmen') wrote this and it trying to sound cool. do they not realize that by posting this bullshit message that they've just started out they're summer by sounding like complete and utter freshmen? dear god! and where the hell does this girl (the poster was a freshman from last year) get off signing '07 at the bottom? Pretty sure we fucking graduated and don't give a fuck about next years freshmen! Yeah, can i get a raise of hands on who gives a fuck? Hmm, okay that's 1, 2,....oh yeah, fucking no one! jesus christ, picking on freshmen stopped even being intertaining during the middle of sophomore year...unless it's one of your friends that actually IS a freshmen and then it's just funny :) dumb fucks
2. My mind. a few days ago i, for some reason, started thinking that i had feelings for john again. i even went so far as to write him a message on myspace asking him out on a date...and now i just feel like an idiot. if anything were to happen between john and i at this point neither of us would be happy because we would just be using each other as place holders. i would be using him as someone to hold me and make me feel loved and to banish this HORRID empty feeling of loneliness that's only been getting deeper and deeper inside of me. and he would be using me as either a place holder for emily or des or...fucking hell, whomever. and i feel horrid because, on the amazingly off chance that he does say yes...i wouldn't know what to do. do i just say, 'no, it was a dumb idea.' or do i run with it? ugh, no biggy becuz i'm basically just waiting for him to say no and have another few months of complete ackwardness- woot. but worst of all...i'm seriously afraid that maybe i REALLY want him to say yes...because he's the only person who i've ever been that comfortable with and even though we had a thousand and six problems...maybe i just don't give a fuck anymore because i'm tired of, even though i'm 'over' him i still love him and i know that's not something that's ever gonna change. no matter how 'over' him i am, i'll always love him because i did love him so much and because he was such a huge part of my life and maybe i just don't like the idea that i'll have to find someone else and do the whole fucking shabang over again and be happy for a while and then have it all fall down around me and leave me in a mass of tears on the off chance that MAYBE one of the times will be different...maybe i'm kinda like FUCK THAT.
3. life right now. i'm basically missed all of the graduation parties of the people that i care about. either mine was that day (kelsey) or i completely spaced it because i didn't have the sheet where i have all the days written down and i was tired beyond belief (kim) or had to work and my family that i haven't seen in over a year was up (christine) or i'm just too fucking exhausted with trying to straighten out my mind to have the energy to get up...oh i give up. i mean, i know that the people who really matter, u guys, i'll keep in contact with- either via livejournal or whatever- but i feel bad that i missed their parties when i said i was gonna be there. i've let people down...again. i seem to have that wonderful talent. i guess i'm just too fucking self-centered to be bothered... but here i am pissing and moaning about shit that, most likely, won't even matter in a few months but it's bogging me down and making me pissy with people who don't deserve it and making my stomach hurt...i hate this shit.
saddest thing- i just want to curl up in bed with my snake and stay there for years with a good book, cheese, chocolate, and water.
I hate my past. I want to move on. I've tried to move on. I can't.
Why is it that I'm told I'm so very strong when I can't even get over some stupid bullshit that happened in my past?! Granted, I guess it's not an easy thing to overcome, but Stephie did, and it's so new to her, whereas this is something I've lived with for years!
Why do people say that in time things get easier, when in all reality, time only speeds up the massive depression that looms over you for the rest of your life?!
I hate it when people tell me I'm stuck in the past, because they're right, and I hate the fact that people can see through me that easily. I hate the fact that it's no transparent to them, because I want so much for it to be invisible to myself!
Time has never been on my side. Why does it have to act up when I finally start feeling like I'm getting over it?
When does it end?
so i ask off from work, then you schedule me to work, then you make me try to find someone to work the shift, then you give me THE WRONG NUMBER, then i call you to tell you this, and THEN you tell me that YOU GOT SOMEONE ELSE TO WORK FOR ME.
SHIT LIKE THIS IS WHY I QUIT CULVER'S.
--random note: "this" and "shit" have all the same letters.
SERIOUSLY, it's my fucking GRADUATION PARTY; you think i'm going to be late for that to WORK?
you don't pay me that much.
although my party ended up SUCKING because FUCKING EVERYONE WHO ACTUALLY SHOWED UP LEFT - left me with a bunch of WASTED adults attempting karaoke. perhaps it would've been funny if i was wasted as well, BUT I WASN'T AND IT WASN'T.
also, to my psycho bitch assistant manager: you wear way too much makeup, psycho bitch.
It's been almost 6 months since we broke up and since i've gotten over you we've become pretty good friends. I love that you're there for me to give me advice when i post my blogs and you've been really nice and even helpful when it comes to me liking Nate. I mean, you even sent me a message today giving me some advice on how to feel the situation out- so here's my question, why is it that after sending me that message you felt the need to text me for a booty call? I mean...i don't know whether to feel insulted or angry. How do you go from giving me relationship advice to asking me for sex? And then, THEN, you say that sex helps balance you out or whatever and that even though we didn't work in a relationship, the sex was great? And, even after i'd said no- joking around afterwards because i was like 'okay, wierd but whatever', i was still debating it...until you told me to make a decision before you started playing WoW. You seriously put me on a deadline with your freaking computer game?!? Wow, kid you have some massive balls let me tell ya. Who the hell does that?